The Reason
by Angelscribe
Summary: SpikeBuffy fic set before the big finale – shows their thoughts on the past and their relationship. Plus, they both find out exactly what the amulet will do and they each try to hide the truth from the other.


**The Reason**

Disclaimer: All characters are the creation of Joss Whedon and co. The lyrics featured throughout are from the song, "The Reason", which is the property of the band Hoobastank.

Summary: Spike/Buffy fic set before the big finale – shows their thoughts on the past and their relationship. Plus, they both find out exactly what the amulet will do and they each try to hide the truth from the other.

A/N: My first ever fic in the Buffyverse, so feedback would be appreciated! :)

1.

It seemed that, in spite of everything, old habits die hard – especially when they're the habits of a lifetime spanning centuries. This having a soul and being part of the gang was all very well but, when times got hard, it seemed that retreating to the dark shadows was just instinctive for his kind. And so, here he was, skulking around some seedy little bar – a real dive if ever he saw one - instead of spending time with the Slayer and her Scoobies.

He had to admit, being part of the gang was a bonus – anything to be more involved in Buffy's life and not just the guy she came to for info on the latest dealings of Sunnydale's less savory residents. Being close to Buffy – well, needless to say that was what it was all about for him and he would tolerate a lot for the privilege; even Xander, for instance. Besides, he guessed he'd better cut the guy some slack, seeing as he was the one who had slept with his girl behind his back … But that was another story and, as far as he was concerned anyway, completely in the past – suffice to say, he could put up with Xander for Buffy's sake if nothing else.

As for the others, he held a grudging respect for Giles and knew just how much he had done for Buffy in the years that he had known her – he was the father she had needed, yet never had in recent years. And Dawn, who meant the world to Buffy, had also come to mean a lot to him to. Although he had at first become her, admittedly rather unwilling and certainly unpaid, babysitter, he was fonder of her than he would admit and would do anything to keep her safe. Then there was Willow – at least she wasn't all into the evil dark magic now, but the red-head just hadn't been the same since Tara's death … Hardly surprising, but at least she was getting by and coping a lot better than she had been. Then again, once you've tried to destroy the entire world, you can't really sink much lower … And Spike considered himself a bit of an expert on that score.

He sighed and ran a hand over his platinum blonde hair, banging his empty glass down on the bar and gesturing wordlessly for another. He still wasn't quite used to all these emotions – rage, anger, malice, bitterness, lust … those he understood, but concern, sorrow, joy … those feelings had been alien to him for over a century. And, God help him, _love_ … he hadn't expected that one.

The Slayer – of all people, the _Slayer_ … how in the hell had that happened? But regardless of the hows and whys, it _had_ happened and he was in love with the Slayer – Buffy, _his_ Slayer … Deep down, he had always thought of her as his – even when they were the bitterest of enemies, they had been connected. It wasn't as if he hadn't had plenty of chances to finish her off – perhaps all along he hadn't wanted it to end … hadn't been able to imagine his life without her … And now, well, they were proof that the line between love and hate is indeed a fine one. Not that he believed she loved him, but he knew she certainly didn't hate him and he had first-hand evidence to suggest she wasn't just tolerating him either. As for him, there could be no two ways about it – the Big Bad had fallen for the girl. And fallen hard.

Spike accepted his – six, seventh, he'd lost count – drink with a curt nod and drained a third of it, trying to will away that vampire constitution which made getting drunk not impossible but more than a little difficult. His own life had seen a lot of changes lately and he was still having trouble adjusting …

_#I'm not a perfect person,  
There's many things I wish I didn't do …#_

Not least of these changes was the soul – that one would probably get right up his old "friend", Angel's, nose. No more being the unique vampire with a soul now – membership of that particular club was now up to two. Yet, while he saw it as a way to give him a better chance with Buffy, the memory of everything he had done over the years was almost more than he could bear. He could finally see how Angel managed to have so much to brood about – the two of them had really lived it up back in the day and, whatever he had thought at the time, the flashbacks were making for pretty gruesome viewing now. Particularly the ones involving Buffy … How could he have done those things to her? No wonder she had called him a monster …

_#But I continue learning,  
I never meant to do those things to you#_

All those times he had done his best to hurt her, both physically and mentally; all the times he had tried to bring her down, to spill her blood, to kill her; all the times he had so nearly succeeded … And even when he wasn't her enemy, after they had slept together and when she was prepared to trust him, even with her little sister … he couldn't bear to think of what he had almost done. He had been so desperate to make her see how he felt, but he knew he could never excuse it and wouldn't even try – he had almost raped her, had pined her down and forced her to fight him off … had hurt her and in more ways than one … It was then that he despaired of ever regaining the humanity he so wanted – how could even he have done that to the woman he claimed to love?

_#I'm sorry that I hurt you,  
It's something I must live with everyday …  
And all the pain I put you through  
I wish that I could take it all away,  
And be the one who catches all your tears …#_

Spike dashed a hand over his eyes, angry at the stinging behind his eyes of unshed tears – it was pointless to torture himself like this, but he couldn't help it. He had planned to spend eternity trying to make it up to her, trying to atone for what he had done, but  knowing he would never be able to forgive himself. But now his plan had taken a real blow – it was over.

Just like that – it was all coming to an end. The apocalypse. Again.

It wasn't fair – hadn't they all suffered enough? In one way or another, each of them had lost someone they loved and no one knew sorrow like Buffy did. She had given up any chance she had for a normal life to fight the good fight; she had slain her then lover, Angel, only to have him return and then realize they could never be together; she had lost friends and seen the pain of those left behind; she had lost her mother; she had even given her own life – twice –and, on reaching heaven where she could finally have some peace, she was torn out of it and returned to this hell. Would there ever be a time when she could be free?

It was a sight that would forever be imprinted on his mind – Buffy doing what she had to do in order to save the world and, more importantly to her, her sister. He would always remember vividly the moment when he had stumbled forward in disbelief, wounded by the fight but needing to assure himself it wasn't true … and there she was. Her body, seeming so much smaller and frailer, lying lifeless amidst the rubble. Even thinking back on that sight caused him to swallow the lump that rose in his throat, though back then he had openly wept, not caring who saw. How he had gotten through the days, weeks, after that was still a mystery to him – he had only known that he couldn't stop to think for if he did, surely his unbeating heart would break in his chest. Of course he had wanted her back, but was it fair that she had been forced to return only to endure more pain?

Spike finished his drink, but shook his head when the bartender moved to get him another – it wasn't like the alcohol was doing him any favors; it wasn't changing anything. He fingered the chain of the amulet around his neck thoughtfully and hung his head wearily. This time though … this time was going to be different; he could be sure of that. Problem was, knowing what he knew was tearing him up inside. He couldn't look at her without wanting to tell her everything and make her promise everything would be okay, but he knew he couldn't do that. He couldn't lay that kind of pressure on her at a time like this. He would just have to accept that his time was up. At least he knew she would get through … she would be safe and he would be the one to have saved her.

He just wished there was some other way – he didn't want to know that he would have to leave her … not now, not ever. There was so much he still needed to tell her …

_#And so I have to say before I go,  
That I just want you to know …#_

To be continued …


End file.
